The Joy of Morning Thunder
by The Break-wind Kid
May the farts be with you
Been eating MRE’s lately? Have your GI/APGDEE’s turned into a puny “vibrato sublimo” instead of the robust “basso profundo” you were so famous for? Are you squeezing off comode crackers or the Hershey© squirts you could shoot through a coffee filter? Relief is in sight. You can get that exit ramp all pink and pretty and puckered up with output you will be proud to show your neighbors or mount on the wall.
1) Eat the proper foods. Start with high fiber foods, oatmeal, fruit, vegetables, Activa are examples. Balance the levels of fiber and water to get the proper output, sausage shaped about 1 inch (2.54 cm), rich chocolaty brown, moist, with no blood.
2) Correct you posture, we evolved to void squatting, The porcelain throne puts a kink in our colon. (This kink is where most colon cancer occurs) Since the neighbors will complain if you go outside, try grabbing your ankles and pull. Or use the Lilipad (link below) Much easier.
3) Establish regularity. Pick a convenient time to have a BM, and HAVE it. Do not accept excuses. Do whatever it takes. Be consistent. Once you have successfully achieved your goal, you can begin being more adventurous in your diet. Add one item at a time and observe the effect. If it makes you sick or your co-workers start avoiding you, quit eating it. Different foods affect different people differently. Dairy products give some people constipation.
Beans give some people gas (This can be a plus). Enjoy your flatulence in private, some people do not share your enjoyment of the finer things in life. If you are particularly proud of your rips, join the Royal Order of the Blue Flame. Some have ladies auxiliary groups which can provide critiques, training and encouragement. The phrase “morning thunder” comes from the fact that we can’t fart in our sleep, so save them up for morning when they echo through the house. That’s why they called commodes Thunder Buckets. Pay attention to your output, one guy had one that looked like Barrak Obama and sold it on ebay for $4700. Check with your doctor to see if you have GERD. Don’t know much about it except that it rhymes with turd. Appropriate somehow.
Caution> Light farts only under the supervision of a professional. According to Dr. Joesph Testa, farts are flammable because they contain hyrdrogen and sometimes methane. However, lighting a fart is very dangerous business. The Mayo Clinic that says that 1 in 4 people who succesfully light their fart, also incurre serious burns inside the colon. Please fart with care! If you are one of the rare individuals who considers farting an art form, you may want to contact the Royal Order of the Blue Flame. It is an international organization which can give you guidance and encouragement. The Texas A&M chapter even has a ladies auxiliary. Figures!
“There is a difference between a common fart lighter and a member of the Royal Order of the Blue Flame. Technically speaking almost anyone can light a fart but did you know that only 33.3% of the entire worlds population can light a blue fart?” – ROBF (Keeper of the Flame) Learn to live with it. Contact them directly to find the chapter nearest you. I recall a couple of years ago, the case of a guy who sat on the pot, farted, then tossed his cigarette in. It exploded. That was bad enough, but when the Rescue Team heard what happened, They dropped him down the stairs and he broke his collar bone. Personally, I’ve always considered flatulence an art form. La Petomane would get standing ovations for his performance of the 1812 overture. It is becoming popular again with the new crop of artists such as Mr. Methane, Fartman, Crazy Farter and The Breakwind Kid. An acolyte group with nationwide chapters has formed “The Royal Order of The Blue Flame”. Ladies are becoming increasingly involved in the sport with some chapters having “ladie’s auxiliaries”. Your local chapter can give encouragement and guidance. Pogi> PassTheGas
RoyalOrderOfTheBlueFlame> Website Facebook Caution> Do not squat on the toilet. The toilet is designed to have your butt weight evenly distributed. A recent injury resulted from this in Japan when a toilet collapsed under a lady. The broken toilet cut a 4 inch wide gash 2 feet long in her butt. Even I consider the picture too gross to put up, so you can imagine how bad it is. The lillipad is one device designed to allow you to void in a more natural manner. There are several. Lillipad
Fartnames is a good site for identifying and categorizing farts.
I know that for most Americans, flatulence causes extreme emotional responses (either embarrassment or laughter). As an anthropologist, I am concerned with human behavior, development, and evolution — and I just love taboo subjects! Farting (ok, let it out . . . the laughter, that is) is a normal, everyday aspect of the human body XXXicana
Latrina has an excellent bathroom guide for ladies who sprinkle when they tinkle.